James Potter and the Wizard of Oz
by The Werewolf Mage
Summary: James takes a bad hit during Quidditch practice and dreams he's in the land of Oz. Oh, what fun! Rated for safety
1. 1

Title: James Potter and the Wizard of Oz

Summary: James takes a bad hit furing Quidditch practice and dreams he's in the land of Oz. Oh, what fun!

Disclaimer: I own nothing, except Gen, Marci, and Celeste, if they make an appearance.

A/n I know, weird idea. Bear with me.

Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, and Peter Pettigrew were sitting in the Quidditch stands, watching the Gryffindors practice. "Reckon the new Beaters will work out?"

"Nope. We've lost a game, and nearly lost a Chaser, because of them. I don't think they'll get any better." Sirius muttered.

"You've got a point." Remus replied.

Just then, a Bludger went flying in James direction. The Beaters, arguing over who would hit it, missed it. James was knocked out cold.

A little while later, James yawned, stretched, and looked around. "Well, this isn't Hogwarts." He was still in his Quidditch robes, and he still had his broom. But where was he?

Looking around, he saw a yellow brick road. "Sweet. Maybe I can hock some of these bricks at a pawn shop." he muttered, trying to pry up a few bricks.

"Excuse me, but what are you doing?"

James looked around. Behind him was Lily, or so he thought, in a pale pink puffy dress. "Whoa, Lily. Pink is definitely not your color. It makes you look fat."

She slapped him. "How rude! And, I am not Lily. I am Lillian, the Good Witch of the North."

"Oh, OK. I see what you wanna play. I'm Talis, the Dragon Tamer." he said with a mock bow.

"Very well, Talis. Do you realize where you are?"

"I'm on a bad acid trip?" James asked, scratching his head.

"No, you are in Slytherin Land."

"How wonderful." James muttered, looking around. "I don't see any Slytherins."

Just then he heard a giggle or two coming from the nearby bushes. A few tiny people peeked out from around it. "Welcome to Slytherin Land, giant sir." the smallest one squeaked.

"Holy crap! Midget Slytherins!" James shouted, jumping back. He swung his broom at a couple of them.

"No, they're good. Listen, if you want to get away from them and get back to your school, you need to follow the yellow brick road."

"Can do." James saluted, shouldering his broom. He glanced back at Lillian. "Wouldn't it be faster if I flew?"

"Flying is against the law. Except for the Wicked Witch of the West."

"And, let me guess, I have to kill her, right?"

Lillian shook her head. "No, you don't need to. Although, it would be great story-wise if you did."

So, James headed down the yellow brick road, to wherever the wind may take him.

A/n

Short intro chapter. Next chapter, he meets the scarecrow. But right now, I need to redo the last chapter for another fic of mine. Any suggestions are welcome.


	2. 2

James Potter and the Wizard of Oz

A/n Not so sure how long this is going to be, but, as you can already see, it's going to be butchered. But, I have had so much fun already!

Chapter 2

James wandered down the yellow brick road, yawning, and muttering to himself about the no flying law. Eventually, he passed a corn field. "Sirius? What are you doing?"

"Who's Sirius?" the scarecrow asked. "Go away, you stupid birds!"

"OK... what are you doing?" James asked again, timidly stepping closer.

"I'm TRYING to keep these stupid birds away."

"M'kay, I have no idea what I'm doing, so, do you want to come up me?" James asked.

"Fine. I've got nothing better to do, seeing as how I suck at my job."

So, down the yellow brick road they went. The scarecrow was walking a bit funny, so, James, being ever so curious, asked him why he walked like that.

"Do you have any idea how hard it is to walk after you've had a pole shoved up your ass for three years?"

"No, I can't image. And I don't think I want to."

They walked a little while longer, then, James decided it was time to frolic. So, off they froliced, singing, "Lashing out the action, returning the reaction Weak are ripped and torn away Hypnotising power, crushing all that cower Battery is here to stay." That is, until the scarecrow stopped.

"Wait. Aren't we supposed to be singing about following a yellow brick road, or off to see some wizard?"

"No... I don't think so. But that reminds me." James stepped off the road and behind a tree. I think you can figure out what he was doing.

A little while later, they were frolicing again. Now, though, James had gotten hungry.

Passing a blackberry thicket, he dove right in, regreting it all too soon. "Ow, the prickers! But, mmm, the berries!"

"What are you doing? Do you know who those belong to?" the scarecrow muttered, glancing around.

"Um, my belly?"

"No, the Wicked Witch! If she catches you, she'll shove a stick up your ass and use you as a puppet!"

James gulped and dashed out of the thicket as fast as he could. The two ran away from the berries as fast as they could. But the Wicked Witch was watching them.

A/n

Ah, how evil. And funny! Wheee!


	3. 3

James Potter and the Wizard of Oz

A/n Yes, in case you haven't noticed what I'm doing, we're meeting everyone in seperate chapters. We should have a run-in with our favorite wicked witch soon enough. But, right now, we meet the Tin Man.

Chapter 3

James and the scarecrow made their way into a darkened part of the woods. Getting scared, they heard a small cry for help.

"Beer... need beer..."

So, they headed off to the call. Outside a mall shack, there stood a rusted up tin man. "I haven't got any beer, but, will Mountain Dew work?" James asked, popping a can open and pouring it down the tin man's throat.

With a sputter and a small choking-noise, the tin man glared at James. "Nice way to rust me up. Thanks."

"You're welcome!"

"OK, so, who are you people and what are you up to?" the tin man asked.

"Ah, I'm some guy and I'm not quite sure what it is I'm doing." James muttered. "My head hurts."

"And I'm a scarecrow. I'm following the yellow brick road to see if I can find a better job than scaring crows."

"Well, I'm obviously a tin man and I have nthing better to do, so I'll go with you guys."

And down the yellow brick road they went. Night was beginning to fall, and James, tried of all the frolicing, yawned, and figured the road would be a nice place to take a nap, seeing as how they hadn't ran into any bandits, thieves, or wicked witches.

He woke up nearly an hour later, and saw the tin man and scarecrow tied to a tree, all their money and other goods gone. "MY MOUNTAIN DEW!" James sobbed. "Where is it? Who took it?"

"You might want to talk to the witch. She had her flying robot monkeys steal everything. NOW LET US DOWN!"

"How?" James asked, searching his pockets. Lucky for him, the witch hadn't taken his wand. With a flick of his wrist, he let them go. They fell with a thump, staring at him. "What?" he asked.

"You have a magic-y stick just like the witch." the tin man gasped.

"Huh? Yeah, I do. So?"

"HE'S A WITCH!" the scarecrow shouted.

"Wizard, actually." James muttered, pocketing his wand. "You need the correct gender term, there."

The scarecrow still stared. As they headed off down the road, the scarecrow edged away from James, who had light his wand so they could see where they were going. With a sneeze, James's wand caught the scarecrow on fire.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! PUT ME OUT!" he shouted, running down the road.

"STOP, DROP, AND ROLL!" James laughed. The scarecrow stopped, dropped, and rolled. He stood up, glaring at James. "Sorry." James muttered.

"Never point that thing at me again."

"Yes, sir."

A/n

Wheee, we get to see my favorite next. I love the coardly lion. Wh00tness!


	4. 4

James Potter and the Wizard of Oz

A/n Ugh, I had everything written out and I was going to update whenever fanfictionnet would let me in, but, nooo, my mom just had to reboot the computer, so, I lost EVERYTHING! Grumble, grumble.

On a lighter, me-not-ranting note, you finally get to meet the Wicked Witch today. Yay!

Chapter 4

James was tired, and his feet hurt. And he was sharing it with the others. "I'm tired... my feet hurt."

"Aw, be quiet."

Suddenly, a taxi pulled up next to them. Out stepped a lion. "And I'm the last guy. Need courage, and whatnot."

"Wow, a lion without courage. That's like... chili without beans." James pondered. "Ah, well. Wait, there's TAXIS around here? And I was WALKING? Move it!" With that, he shoved the lion aside and climbed in the taxi, with the other three popped the trunk and rode in it.

James stretched out in the backseat and dozed. That is, until the taxi jerked to a stop. "Who did what for how much money?" he yawned.

"What's all this? Why is there a taxi on my yellow brick road?"

James looked out the window. "Hey! YOU'RE the Wicked Witch?" he asked. "You look like Gen to me." he yawned.

The witch cast a glance in his direction. "Right, and who in the blue hell are you?"

"James Potter, at your service." he said, rolling down the window and offering her his hand. She scoffed. "What?" he asked. "Oh, right. You have a wicked reputation to maintain. Gotcha."

With another disdained look in his direction, she flicked her wand. The taxi became a rotten pumpkin. "Oh, that's nice." the scarecrow muttered.

The witch laughed, mounted her broom and flew off. "What did I do to her?" James asked, wiping pumpkin off his Quidditch robes.

"Dunno. I guess it's the fact that you're here, and you've got a magic-y stick, too." the tin man replied.

"Well, where are we heading?" James asked.

"Dunno. Let's just keep going."

"Off to Zanzibar! To meet the Zanzibarbarians!" James laughed, racing down the road.

A/n

Yup. Short, sweet, and to the point. Erm, sort of. Anywho, anything you guys want to see in the next chapter? Just let me know. I might can squeeze it in.


	5. 5

James Potter and the Wizard of Oz

A/n I thank you. :) Well, I meant for Remus to be the lion, but, everyone pictured Peter, so, I guess he's the lion.

Chapter 5

James frowned. "OK, I do NOT like her." he sighed. "She killed the taxi!" The odd little group had been walking for miles, and, James was growing tired.

"Well, it won't kill you to walk!" the scarecrow scoffed.

"Yes it will!" James replied, pretending to fall over dead. He lay on the ground, faking spasms. "See? You and your walking have killed me!"

The tin man frowned, yet picked him up. "Dangerous to fake things like that, mate." he said. "She could still be watching."

James gasped. "She's a pedophile!" He ran down the yellow brick road, screaming. "Mummy, dirty lady!" Then, he stopped. "Wait, there's something I've been meaning to ask of you guys."

"And that would be...?"

"What the hell is at the end of this road thing?"

The other three looked at each other. "Well, there's the land of oz, a strip club, and a casino."

James eyes glittered. "Gents, let's gamble!"

Merrilly, they skipped down the road. "Oh, but wait."

"Wha?" James asked.

"It's going to take forever to get to the casino. Plus, there's deserts, mountains, and a man-eating gerbil named Paul." the lion said, shuddered, and hid behind a rock.

James cocked his head to the side. "But, you're not a man. You're a lion. What have you to worry about? I'M the one who needs to worry."

"Oh, right. Let's go!"

A/n

Ah, so sorry it was so short. I'll work on another longer chapter later. But for now... WILL THEY MAKE IT TO THE CASINO! WHO KNOWS!


	6. 6

James Potter and the Wizard of Oz

A/n Um...

Chapter 6

"I like cereal."

"And I like potatoes."

"I LIKE CEREAL!"

"And I like potatoes?"

James and the scarecrow had been going on and on like that for the past three hours. The tin man and lion groaned. They couldn't take much more of this. "WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP!"

James and the scarecrow glanced at each other, then to the tin man and lion. "No." they said at the same time.

"Well, can you do something else then?" the lion muttered.

"OK. Wake up in the morning, stumble to the kitchen, pour myself a cup of ambition. Yawn and stretch and try to come to life!" James sang.

"Anything but that." the tin man muttered.

Eventually, the road led them to a field of doughnuts. "Doughnuts, yay!" James shouted, diving into the field.

"Doughnuts, AAAAAAAAH!" the lion shrieked, hiding behind a tree.

"OUCH! Hey, no fair! The doughnut bit back!" James sniffled, holding his lip. The small jelly-filled doughnut wriggled out of his grasp and raced through the field, laughing. "Wicked Witch Trick?" James asked, wiping powdered sugar and jelly off of his robes.

"Wicked Witch Trick. Again." the scarecrow replied.

"She's meeeeaaaannn!" James whined, stomping his foot like a two-year-old. "I'm, like, so telling my mummy!"

The lion let out a cry for help. A snake had crawled out of the doughnut field and was eying him. "Help?" the lion squeaked. Then shouted. The snake had bit his bum.

"Dude! You just totally attacked that snake's mouth with your ass!" James shouted, falling to the road with fits of hysterics.

The lion whimpered. "It's not poisonous, is it?"

"No, it'll just hurt for a while."

"Your... ass!" James laughed, gasping for breath. "Oh, God, that was classic! Man, I hope someone recorded that."

The scarecrow grinned and pulled out a camcorder. "Right here, buddy."

"Sweet!" James said, taking the tape, sticking it in a sealed envelope, and stuck it in a conveniently placed mailbox. "World's Funniest Home Videos, here it comes!"

A/n

Poor lion. Well, not really. His injuries are our humor :)


	7. 7

James Potter and the Wizard of Oz

A/n Well, I think this is a nice enough ending. If you guys don't like it, I can try to come up with another.

Chapter 7

Dark clouds gathered over the yellow brick road. The four travelers tried to get away from the storm clouds, but could not. A cascade of water fell on them, washing them down the road. Along the way, the giant wave picked up the Wicked Witch, the Good Witch, a couple of flying monkeys, and a goat named Mac.

"What's going on?" Lillian shouted.

"My dress!" the Wicked With wailed. "This is dry-clean ONLY!"

"My fur!" the lion sobbed.

With a loud rumbling crash, the band of half-drowned, uh, folk, smashed into a building. "Where are we?" James asked.

"We're at the Emerald City!" Lillian exclaimed.

"Hold it right there! No one gets in to see the wizard!"

The group stared around, looking for the source of the command. Finally, they spotted a small little fellow standing near the door.

"Whoa! OK, thought you were a garden gnome." James said, jumping slightly. "My apologies."

The small man frowned up at James. "Like I said, no one can get in to see the wizard."

"What wizard?" the scarecrow asked.

"The wizard who can grant you anything."

"And why can't we get in to see him?" the Wicked Witch huffed.

"Because..." the small man began, squirming.

"Because why?"

"I lost the key." he sighed.

So, they all got on their hands and knees looking for the key. James found the goat trying to eat it and wrestled it away from him. Excitedly, he rushed to the door and unlocked it.

"Welcome, welcome." the old wizard smiled. "I've been expecting you. You see, I've made note of your travels."

"And they said I'M a pedophile." the Wicked Witch was heard muttering.

The wizard disreguarded her and continued. "Is there anything I can grant you? Anything at all?"

"Uh, I guess I could use some grade A stuffing. This crap's falling out and it's all mildew-y." the scarecrow said. The wizard nodded, writing this down on a piece of parchment.

"More beer, yeah!" the tin man grinned.

"A bigger mane." the lion said sheepishly.

"A better way of transportation. Those bubbles are murder." Lillian said, her eyes glittering.

The wizard, after writing this all down, glanced to the Wicked Witch. "I suppose you don't think I deserve anything, right?" she asked.

"Oh, not at all. Go on, there must be something you want."

She thought this over, then grinned. "I want... a jet-pack!"

"Done. And you, James Potter of Gryffindor House?"

James seemed to think about this. Then, he leaned over and whispered something in the wizard's ear. "Can you do it?" James asked.

The wizard nodded and clapped twice. Everyone magically changed into disco style clothing. 70's music pumped out of invisible speakers. Disco lights flashed. And everyone began to dance.

"James, man, you've got to go home."

"Home? But I just got here! And this started getting fun." James pouted.

In the Hospital Wing, the girls and the Marauders were crowded around James's bed, waiting for him to come to. "Wow, wicked nightmare." James groaned. "My noggin hurts."

"Nightmare?" Lily asked. "What kind of a nightmare?"

"Weird. Like it was a bad acid trip, or something. Anyway, you were in it, and you. So were you." James said, pointing to people in turn. Then he stopped. "Wait, I don't know you."

The teenager grinned. "I'm the author."

"AUTHOR! AAAH!" Everyone ran for it, diving out of windows, hiding in closets, and trying to cram themselves out the door. The author giggled and pointed to the lower Author's Note.

A/n

Aww, like I said, if you guys don't like this ending, I can come up with another.


End file.
